New Grand Theft Auto V Trailer Promotes ‘The 12 Goals Of Epsilonism’

The 12 tenets of KIFFLOM:

1. The world is 157 years old
2. Dinosaurs are a lie that people believe because they are weak
3. You are happy, you just don’t know it
4. We all come from the same tree
5. Everyone is related to everyone else, except for people with red hair
6. Sperm does not exist – it is a lie spread by biology teachers – along with everything else you have ever been told
7. Men are supposed to lie with nine new partners a week. Women are supposed to lie with six, except for in July, when they must lie with five men a day
8. Aliens exist and are present on earth. If you have a birth mark, you may be descended from Kraff, the famous Emperor of the 4th Paradigm
9. Trees talk, but only some people hear them
10. People who believe in something live much longer than atheists, and they have eternal life thrown in for good measure
11. If you believe this and turn your hands and wallet over to EPSILONISM, you’ll live a happy life. Otherwise you are doomed
12. KIFFLOM – Happiness is yours! KIFFLOM!

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